The holiday season is stressful enough with the planning, travel, cooking, and spending that can be difficult to avoid this time of year. This season is even more stressful due to the complexities of Covid-19. Many families are searching for ways to celebrate and honor traditions, but doing so in a safe way requires even more planning and decision making.
Back for an encore presentation of Senior Living LIVE! is Diane Lang, noted therapist, author and educator, to discuss holiday stress--and how to handle it. Diane sits down with our host Melissa Lee, to talk more about seniors who are experiencing stress, isolation and loneliness over the holidays, and offers some helpful ways to engage, how to put up healthy boundaries, and tips to manage stressful situations.
Watch the preview now, and make sure to register for the full webinar at www.ArborTerraceExton.com/Holiday to get more information on how to manage holiday stress.
Video Transcript
- Hello, everyone. And welcome into Senior Living Live, my name is Melissa. And joining me today for an encore presentation this week is Diane Lang. Diane, how was your Thanksgiving?
- It was different as probably many of you know, people you know, friends and family. We're all dealing with a different kind of holiday, but it was still good. And everybody got to have a few days off and that's always good. So thank you for asking. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving?
- It was good, just close-knit family in our home and got to enjoy all the trimmings and the turkey. And it was great on that and you don't have to stop cooking because of COVID. Thank goodness.
- That's true. A day off and stuffing, you can't really do better than that.
- No, and all the leftovers were great. So thank you for asking and we, of course are happy to have you back to preview our final webinar of 2020, which is entitled "Dealing With Holiday Stress". And you, those of you watching, can catch it live at 6:00 PM Eastern Time on December 8th. Now, Diane, the most stressful part of my Thanksgiving was deciding what we should do because of COVID. Should we visit families? Should we not visit family? We decided not to visit family this year. And I know that that's a conversation a lot of households had for Thanksgiving. And we'll have again for the upcoming holidays here in December. How has COVID added to holiday stress?
- So, you know, there's a few things going on. One, the pandemic, which is, you know, not something we have ever dealt with before. And of course the second wave started at exactly the holiday season and we kind of expected it, but still, you know, we were off all summer where we could go outside and socialize and be around other people and not feel trapped inside. So that really, you know, gave us a nice break. And I think when it came, even though we expected it, it was still like, oh, it's here already because we also had some warm weather. Remember we had that nice long week of like 70 degrees in the tri-state area. So when it finally did hit, for a lot of people, it really put them back into that feeling of trapped, isolation, loneliness. And you know, one of my clients said to me a few weeks ago, she lives alone in senior living in a 50 and over. And she said, cause I have a nice one bedroom apartment, it's really big and I live alone. She goes, and normally I never think like this, she goes, but I feel like I'm claustrophobic in my own apartment. And this is a situation you're hearing from so many people, which makes the decision of, do I spend the holidays alone or do I go see family? And what I've noticed a lot of my clients have done and I think is a great idea is, they had Thanksgiving with family and friends, but through Zoom, they did a virtual Thanksgiving. And I think that's really great. If you have the ability to set your computer, your laptop up, near your dinner table, eat your dinner, you know, like you said, we could still have turkey and stuffing. And you know, one of my clients yesterday told me she just made turkey cutlets 'cause it was just her and her husband. They weren't doing extended family. So, you know, you could really kind of be flexible in what the dinner looks like and how you spend it. But you know, really have to think about your safety first. You know, if you have a low immune system, if you're over 65, if you have that fear of being around other people, because you might've been near somebody with COVID, it's absolutely the best to actually be safe and then try to be flexible. And again, spend it with people, even if it's through Zoom, phone, you know, however you feel comfortable, Skype, and still see your family, but yet be at home and do the things that you normally do. Like you said, you know, if you could still have the traditional cooking, if there's some routines that you do, you know, for me, we couldn't have Thanksgiving. My daughter got sick, unfortunately, and you know, we wanted to be safe and we canceled on our close knit family but we still, my sisters still came and dropped off the turkey and stuffing and we still did the rituals. And you know, half the reason we make a turkey is for my dog, I know there's a million people who can understand that. My dog lives for the turkey. So it's just having some of the same tradition. So even though we couldn't do what we traditionally do, we still were able to have the food, talk to loved ones, watch my dog be all happy for his turkey and gravy on his food and just laugh and enjoy each other's company. So, I think we just all have to be flexible on what this holiday looked like. And like you said, in December, with the holidays coming again, really doing the same considerations of, you know, what you felt was safe and comfortable for you for Thanksgiving, we'll probably apply in December as well.
- Absolutely. And that's why we're having this conversation. Those of you there in Exton in Pennsylvania, who may be interested in Arbor Terrace, Exton, it's, we're trying to give you some sort of news you can use and some tips and tricks, if you will, to get through this holiday season. I mean, many of us are just trying to get through not just the holiday seasons for the year in general. So excellent advice there. Now, beyond COVID when your clients come to you for help this time of year, Diane, what are some of the common complaints or stressors that you hear about and how can someone keep those to a minimum?
- So, you know, this time of year is always stressful. Even if we didn't have a pandemic, you know, the holidays for everybody is stressful. And on top of that, middle of October starts seasonal effective disorder winter blues. So for a lot of people, even if you push away the pandemic, just the shorter days, the colder weather that, you know, the clouds, it's gray outside as they look out the window, you know, that starts for people having a little bit of sadness or a little mild depression, or some people just get winter blues, but they feel blah. Then you have the holiday season. And for a lot of people that brings up a lot of stress. So it could be a lot of stress of budgets. What does my finances look like? It could be who do I spend it with? Or how do I spend it? And it can also be the family members you need to see on the holidays. For a lot of people that could be stressful because it could be people that you normally don't get along with. You know, there is a lot of toxicity in families. I hate to say it, but a lot of times, people who are closest to us are sometimes the most toxic or negative people. So it's really thinking about who do I want to spend my time with? And this time I'd say more than any other year, really be specific on that because we have so much stress due to the pandemic and due to the election, which is something that, you know, we don't normally have. We didn't have an election like this in a long time. I mean, you know, every four years we have an election, but it doesn't normally look like this year. So, you know, one of the things I just said to a client the other day is if you have people coming over and she said, you know, they have totally two different political beliefs, you can state before the dinner, before the celebration. I love you all, I know that we all don't agree on whatever topic it is, politics, religion, music, whatever it is. So I am making a rule that none of that is allowed at the dinner table. There'll be no discussion on politics or whatever it is, and set up that boundary. So it's off the table and that's something that you could easily do. You could send out a text and email. Can't we see you all, but this is what's gonna happen. And I know a lot of families have that. Again also because of the pandemic, a lot of people's budgets look different than they normally do. So there might be an expectation for family, including your own kids or grandkids that, oh, I'm gonna get these gifts. Or we're all gonna exchange. If this year looks different budget wise, whether it's due to the pandemic or just a difference in situation financially, you wanna talk to your family and friends beforehand. And, you know, instead of everybody exchanging gifts, you can have a swap where, you know, it's just, you just exchange with a few people or just the kids get gifts. You know, however you wanna do with secret Santa. But the, you know, being honest in the beginning takes away a lot of the pressure of trying to look for the money or feeling that you're being cheap because you can't afford it. And this gift won't compare to what they got last year. We don't wanna do that to ourselves. We have enough pressure with the pandemic and everything going on. So be up front about your finances, be up front about any topics you want off limits, and also really be upfront if you need help. If you need help this year, whether it's cooking, whether it's decorating, bringing things, not having it at your house, because it's just too much pressure for you this year, you need to be upfront. If you wait till, you know, a few days beforehand, you gonna be more stressed. You know, we hold onto the stress and we internalize it, we create a big story in our head of what it's gonna look like. And we cause more fear, more stress, just lay it out on the table, talk to the people, tell them what you need. And you'd be surprised, most people want to help. Because some people just feel bad even asking if you need help, because they feel like they're crossing over a line or they're going to insult you by saying, hey, do you mind if I bring the stuffing or if I make the vegetables, they don't wanna offend anybody. So by you telling them, this is what I need, or this is what I can do? It'll make everybody's life easier. And everybody feels better when they can chip in. So, really make sure you do that 'cause when everybody does an act of kindness and everybody, you know, chips in and they all do their own, or they do random act of kindness and bring something, you'll get a boost of dopamine, which is that happy chemical that makes us all feel better. So we all love to give, so tell what you need, allow people to give, accept the help, ask for help. It'll make the holidays so much smoother for everybody.
- And I'm really glad you brought up that point about expectations, right? So we have our expectations in society of what the holidays are supposed to look like, within our own family and what the holidays are supposed to look like. Let's switch gears a little bit now, you know, we all try to put on that brave face, even if we maybe are struggling financially or are struggling in other ways to make everything picture perfect. Like what are some signs that we can look for when it comes to our loved ones who may be in that senior age range bracket that may indicate there's a problem, whether it be stress, anxiety, or depression.
- So I just wanna bring one topic up that you brought up, even though we finished, but I just wanted to bring it up and that'll go right into some signs and symptoms. I just want everybody to remember, cause you just, what you just said triggered it for me. Don't expect this holiday to look like last year. That's a really important tip. A lot of people have this expectation of the holidays to begin with, but now a lot of people like, well, it has to look like 2019 or 18. Don't do that to yourself. You're setting yourself up for failure. It won't look the same because life isn't the same. So not only release your expectations of having a perfect holiday, but release the expectation that it's going to look the same as it did last year. And it's okay that it looks different, be flexible. As for signs and symptoms, absolutely, between the pandemic, seasonal affective disorder, election stress and holidays, we're seeing people be really stressed and anxious. And you really wanna be careful 'cause the number one factor of depression, outside of mental illness is isolation, loneliness, feeling of trapped inside, which we do worry about the older population to begin with. Just having that, if they're not near family, if they can't drive, you know, just their situations, they've retired, things are different. Or as I just did a webinar for a different Arbor, and one lady said to me, you know, I love being here, but of course I moved in about a year and a half ago when, well, half of that year has been pandemic. So I haven't met a lot of new people and the people I do meet, I'm not sure if I feel comfortable talking to them about my problems because I'm a new friend and you know, what do I do with that? And that's what we're seeing. You know, people are feeling like that lack of support, they're trapped, that isolation. So knowing this, if you see with your family, yourself, your kids, your grandkids, your grandparents, anybody really paid attention to be mindful for these signs. One, anything of sadness, depression, feeling hopeless, helpless. Those are kind of the signs, that isolation, that loneliness of depression. But remember too, we always think of like clinical or major depression where people can't function. And that is definitely a sign, but there's also mild depression, which we call dysthymia, which we don't use the word that much. But mild depression is a little different because people function, they still get up, they eat their breakfast, they do their routine. They go to work, they make their calls. They go to their doctor visits. So people go, ah, they're not that depressed, they're functioning. But that's not the case. If people are feeling, I know this is not clinical, but this is exactly how clients express it. They go, I just feel blah, I just feel ah! Like they give bad face of mm... You know? And that's mild depression where they're functioning, but they've lost like enthusiasm for life, for motivation. They're just going through the moves. And we see that a lot with older people and they don't wanna be a burden to anybody so they don't share it or they, again, don't think something's wrong because you have to remember, we talk about mental health now, which is great. And it should be the way it is. But 40, 50 years ago, we didn't talk about it. So a lot of the generation, the 65 and over feel uncomfortable talking about it because it wasn't the thing they did when they were young. There was a stigma against mental illness or just feeling down and depressed. I want everybody to know it's completely natural and normal. So even though we call them negative emotions, like sadness, anger, fear, depression, they're not, they're natural, they're normal. And we need to feel them. So ask your parents, your grandparents, your kids, how they're doing, how they're feeling. Watch if they're being sad, watch if there's a change in their sleeping or eating habits, which would go two ways. They can end up sleeping more because they're depressed and they're kind of avoiding life. Or if they're anxious and stressed, they're sleeping less or waking up more often and can't fall back asleep. Watch their eating, it's becoming a comfort and they're eating more because they're depressed. Or are they just really depending on sugar and caffeine to keep themselves awake and kind of as a comfort food cause anxiety and depression go different ways with food and with sleeping, but just look for a change in it. Look in the change if they're starting to socially withdraw. So they're not doing their normal activities. Even if they're, you know, in their house, maybe they usually crochet and they always watch their three o'clock soap opera. You know, what do they normally do if they're not doing it? If they're not calling the way they used to, if there's a change in their tone, really watch for it. Be mindful and check in on them. That is one of the best things you could do because loneliness and isolation is so real. So just checking in on them daily, or even giving them a time, you know, I'm gonna call you Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday at four o'clock. Cause maybe that's the time you finished work and it's before you cook dinner and they have something to look forward to. So really just watching them and making sure. And anxiety too, if they start talking about ruminations of fear, excessive worry, dooming gloom, that's really also a sign of anxiety, to having any panic attacks. They talk about any physical symptoms, headaches, migraines, changes in their stomach, jaw pain, back, neck, shoulders. If they're starting to feel any of that. And they start talking about, or they getting aches and pains all over, but they're not sick? That could easily be a sign of stress and anxiety.
- Excellent, great tips there that someone can just go in and make a checklist and just you know, what falls within that checklist, if anything, hopefully nothing does. And out of what you've explained so far, this is our final question, sort of tells us kind of what the holiday blues are, right? And it might not be officially recognized as a disorder, but I would like you to maybe touch on the post holiday blues. And that is also something that happens to many people, whether we're in the middle of a pandemic or not, is that correct?
- Yeah, absolutely. You know, for a lot of people, the holidays are good. We talk about holiday stress, but for a lot of people, the holidays are great. You know, especially even if they have the winter blues, they look forward to the holidays because they see family, they see friends, they have the food they want, for some it's vacation time. And then what happens after new year's, there's nothing to look forward to until Easter or Passover or like the next big holidays, that's like four months away. And so what happens, just you know, the third Monday of January is the most depressing day of the year. Just, and nothing to do with the pandemic. And the reason why is the third week of January, that Monday is the day that most of our credit card bills come in from paying for our gifts. That's one. The second is for anybody who set new year's resolutions and goals, usually by the third week is when you've had enough and you've given up and you're depressed with yourself. And it's the realization of all of the happiness and the uptime from the holidays where you don't mind the cold and the snow, because it just brings that holiday feeling. You now feel trapped in stress, nothing to look forward to, especially the pandemic, 'cause a lot of people will not be vacationing at all. So it could just be continuation of a lockdown, but even without the pandemic, it isn't normal, you know, to go from up here, to down here. So watching again, you know, what's going on. And a few suggestions, you know, if you can book a vacation, if you feel comfortable doing that for the warmer months, because we can travel a little more and even if it's just a visit family, I don't mean like going to Disney or an Island, but you know, if you can do that great. But if you don't feel comfortable doing that, I suggest making plans with family and friends for March, April, depending on how the weather is. Cause you never know in this area, it could be warm in March or not till April, but starting to plan activities with people that are outdoors and really having something to look forward to. Even if it's just a day that you're having a picnic at the park with your kids and grandkids. Even if it's just a day, they're picking you up and you're gonna be in the backyard, you know, hanging out outside, having a barbecue, start say, you know, setting those plans, have staycations where you set things that you could do for the day with friends and family, because it's the same kind of feeling as having, you know, vacation. Gives us something to look forward to. And that's what we need during those months. And the other thing is making sure that you still do your hobbies and do activities that are what we call flow and what I mean by flow or in the zone, cause flow is a positive psychology word is, when you have flow, you're doing an activity that you really love. So you're immersed in it, all your energy, your concentration is really into the activity. You love it. It challenges you a little, not too much that you get frustrated and overwhelmed, but just enough that it keeps you excited and doing more of it. And it gives you that sense of timelessness. So as a client said to me the other day, she's been crocheting all her gifts for Christmas. She's in her late sixties and she loves crocheting. And she said to me, I think that's when I get flow. She goes, I'll be crocheting, just sitting in my favorite chair, just near the fireplace and I think it's an hour and my husband's like, that was four hours you're busy crocheting. And that's what happens. You get lost in the time because you so enjoy it. And when you're lost in that time, you get both, couldn't say that, a boost of happiness and a boost of mindfulness. So you have no negative feelings, you've reduced your stress and you're enjoying what you're doing. So think about what brings you flow, which could be anything from a sport like walking, taking a hike to anything creative. Now I can't crochet, but for me it's writing, reading. For others it's baking, cooking, painting, drawing. It doesn't matter what it is, but add some flow to your daily schedule, try and keep daily routine during those months because routine keeps us happy. So routine consistency. Consistency in scheduling and the other thing is movement. Even though we're stuck inside, move. We need to reduce distress. So even if you do in walking in front of your TV, I just made the suggestion yesterday to the other Arbor, is that on YouTube, 'cause most of us have internet, YouTube has a bunch of great free walking videos. So if you can't go outside, because you know, it's cold, icy, snowy, you can still walk inside and you can follow. Like Leslie Sansone is called that, she does walking videos and a lot of my clients love her. They just watch her and they walk with her 'cause it gives a routine. You feel like you're walking with other people, there's a timeframe. So you know, how long, how many miles you're doing and you don't have to follow anything major. So you could just walk at your own pace, but just that walking will reduce your stress, produce endorphins, our happy chemical. So whatever it is, you know, I have a few clients older, who have bikes in their house, stationary bikes, you know, whatever works for you, but make sure you moving. And that's really important because otherwise we get stressed. Attention remains on our bodies. So movement too as well.
- Great tips. And this is where I think we can all say we're extremely thankful for technology.
- Yes.
- Technology has made us a little bit easier for some people difficult. So great, great tips, Diane. You will also be available during your webinar to answer some questions.
- Absolutely.
- That anyone may have, about holiday blues, post holiday. What should I look for beyond the checklist that you gave. So many different questions, I'm sure we'll hear of, and you will be there to answer them. "Dealing With Holiday Stress" is the name of the webinar. It is December 8th, 6:00 PM Eastern. You won't wanna miss it. Diane, thank you so much for your time today.
- Thank you so much for having me and I look forward to seeing you next week.
