Stress Less, Savor More & Feel Better

Video Transcript

- Hello everyone and welcome into Senior Living Live, my name is Melissa, I've got a wonderful guest joining me here today, Diane Lang, how are you today Diane?

- I'm doing good, thank you so much for having me.

- Diane, you've got a really impressive resume, you're a practicing therapist, an author, national speaker, educator and certified positive psychology coach. Now, we have your knowledge that we're bringing into the Arbor family in a webinar on Monday, November 9th at 3:00 pm Eastern time presented by Arbor Terrace Exton, it is entitled stress less, savor more and feel better. So Diane, those are seven words that sound really, really easy but in a year like we've had in 2020, it has been anything but easy. Can you walk us through some of those stressors that are affecting our seniors?

- So, it has been a crazy year and just to be honest, it's probably going to be crazy for the rest of the year because some of the stressors that are going on or triggers that have gone on in the last eight months are going to continue, it's the pandemic and the pandemic looks different for everybody, it affects them in different ways but for a lot of the seniors, what we're noticing is loneliness, isolation, that lack of community socialization, that really hit them hard. Then we have the election, which we're in the middle of who knows when we'll get the answers and then after that, even when we do know who's the new president, what will that look like? Because especially with the holidays coming and families who disagree with each other, that could be an issue at the home base and also the holidays in general could be an issue because what will they look like? I have a lot of clients and seniors that I work with, who are really saying this holiday is not going to be the same, we're not going out, we're not gonna socialize, we're fearful of the second wave and they know they're gonna be staying home and being isolated and some of them are living alone, some are just with their spouse but still not having that normal holiday, seeing the grand kids, having the turkey sitting around the table and to go from thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year's alone, it's definitely gonna be a really tough challenge and on top of that, we're in the midst of seasonal affective disorder because as you notice, the days are shorter, it's dark by 5:00, 5:30, which I know I don't like as well and it's starting to get cold even though it's beautiful today but we know it was just cold, next week will get cold so we're not gonna be spending as much time outdoors and as one of my clients just said, what's been keeping her really happy and socialist, even having meetings in the parking lot of their senior community, they were having their book club meeting, they'd all bring their chairs, they'd have lunch and now it's starting to get too cold and they know that that stress is coming because they were able to do that all summer, be six feet apart, have your mask, be safe, be outdoors but once that starts to fade, and the weather goes and the shorter days, it's definitely gonna get harder so we have a few things, pandemic, what that means for you, for each individual person, second wave, election, holidays, seasonal stress disorder, I mean, that's a lot for anybody. So, hopefully we'll be able to cover a lot of those issues at the webinar and give out as much information as we can but it is definitely a tough year and just one thing, don't expect life to look like what it did pre-pandemic, going back to last year's holidays or January, February right before this hit. If you expect life to look the same or for it to go back, it's gonna really set you up for failure because we've already changed and we're already past that and life might be better next year when we're next holidays, it's definitely gonna be different. So, setting ourselves up to know this is different holiday, this is a different end of the year but things will definitely change, everything is always just temporary.

- Yeah, that's a great tip and you've already mentioned the pandemic, you've mentioned the election, what other tips can you maybe give to those who are having anxiety about these issues and these things that are really outside of their control?

- Well, you just said it. One of the things to think of is what's outside of our control, and there's a few things here, one, we can only control ourselves, right? We can control how we react or respond to a situation but we can't change other people so if you're trying to change other people whether it's their political views or it's their view on the pandemic, like a client said to me the other day, the one who does the outdoor book club and she said we had somebody come and say you know what, I refuse to wear a mask and that upset everybody in the book club and those are the kinda things you can't change and she said, how should I handle that going forward in any situation? And it's remembering, you can't change that person's view, if that's how they feel, that's how they feel but you can really control how you react and respond to a situation. So, really working on what you can control, not what you can't, and we can't control others. The other thing to remember is we have the ability to control our mindset. And that's a really important tool because we forget about that, and what we think about, what we feel, what we believe, really shifts our perspective on everything. So just an example in the pandemic, there's two points of view, or two stories, whichever you'd like to use, and they're both 100% true but they're both completely different. So, when we talk about the pandemic, you can think of it as, Oh, my God, we're going into the second wave, this is scary, We don't know when the vaccine is coming out, it's so uncertain, the hospitals are filling up, I'm gonna have to isolate again, you're just locked down, that's one side, 100% true but on the other side, there's this, okay, well, we're going into the second wave but we know so much more than we did before, we know how to handle it, we know we have vaccines that are in the works and they will be coming out and if we have to isolate, we have all this great technology, we have Zoom, we have Skype, we have cell phones and we can really still stay connected and just look at all the hospitals, the doctors, the nurses, all the frontline workers who are working really hard. Two points of view, both are 100% true, but it's up to you what you choose to focus on. So if you choose to focus on the negative, you're going to stay negative, if you choose to focus in on the positive, you'll start seeing the good even in a bad situation. So remembering the mindset is up to you and it's in your control, that gives us a lot of information right there and you can start being mindful of what are you thinking, What are you digesting, how much news are you watching, or how much social media are you on because all my clients that are 50 and over, they all admit to being on social media and it has become a really kind of cruel place where there's a lot of negativity and hit, so really being mindful of what makes you feel bad, what makes you negative, what kind of makes you just feel worse when you're done watching or reading and staying away from it, it's really important. So you do have a lot more control than you think.

- So Diane, I can imagine that what you do is... It's not one size fits all, you help people of all different ages. So I'm wondering, does your advice, do your suggestions change as you deal with teenagers and then speak to adults and then to our seniors? What is your approach specifically when talking to seniors?

- You know what, I honestly... I always thought it would be such a shift and I only work with 16 and above. And I teach college so really the youngest even counseling or coaching or education, I do teach college but don't really go much younger than that but I always thought it'd be such a big difference between an 18-year-old and a 70-year-old, that they would have such different views and issues but I've come to learn in the last five to 10 years, it's not necessarily true. Like some of the most popular topics are by both, one of them is emotional detox, dealing with negative people and even so that was a young girl, but actually, it happens to be an issue across the board for even 70s, 80s or 90s. She realized that we all have one thing in common, we all stress, you'll get anxiety and we all get fear of all this uncertainty. So, their reasons behind it might be different, you might be your new 20s and 30s and you're worrying about your kids can't go to school or what's gonna look like to learn virtually, or in your 40s, 50s worried that you've lost your business because it was a gym or haircutting place but the same thing is going on even for the 60, 70-year-olds, they have the same fear that they won't see their grand kids, the uncertainty will there be a vaccine, and will it be okay for them to take it, when will they get out of the house again, when will be safe to them because of their immune system? Everybody's having the same basic fear which is uncertainty and what is going to look like. So, yes, I mean, I will definitely make it a little different, because there's a little different tips for each but you do realize we all have the same triggers and stressors. So it's really how do I manage the stress? How do I manage the anxiety? which is really important knowing the difference if I have stress or it has turned into anxiety or depression, signs and symptoms so you know what to look for not just for yourself, but your spouse, your kids, your grand kids because we're all worried about the same thing, being healthy and happy and getting a sense of normalcy, even if it's a different normalcy and the other thing to remember is, we're all grieving. We're grieving our pre-pandemic life. So even if you're not grieving a loss, which I hope no one here has lost somebody, but if you did, absolutely you're grieving but even if you don't know anybody who has even had covid, you're still grieving what life used to look like, your routine, your schedule, the way you socialize, the safety and security, one of my clients said to me the other day, she was, I just retired right before this happened. She's 60 years old, she goes, so looking forward, just going to the mall, and going on vacation, and she was, now I'm scared to do any of that, I'm scared to even go into the supermarket if I don't have my sanitizer. What if I forget my mask? What if someone sneezes? These are things that we're all worrying about and they affect more for different ages but we all have the same fears but it will go into a little bit more dealing with the 50 and over and how you really can deal with this and what fears you have. And the good thing is we'll be able to ask a lot of questions at the end so if anybody has anything specific that's related to them, it's important that they ask because if they're feeling it, somebody else is absolutely feeling it too and sometimes people are afraid, so ask the question so we can gear it towards your needs.

- Yeah, and we're very purposeful on having you come and join us in November, as you mentioned, the holidays, it's already a stressful time of year and every year regardless of what's going on outside of the holidays but those are coming up, it's right around the corner and it's typically a time of year that we set new goals for ourselves, can you give us your top tip for seniors and what they can do right now to ensure that they meet their own expectations on that end?

- So, one of the things I always just wanna mention for seniors is, the number one factor of happiness across the board is socialization. Number one factor for depression outside of mental illness, is isolation and loneliness. So even though socialization has shifted what it looks like, we still need to be social, we still need to have that community feel and even if you know the rooms are not available, where everybody used to meet, the gathering rooms, even if you have to sit six feet distance or eat dinner in your own apartment, it's important that we stay in contact. And even though it's shifted, whether it's through good old fashioned, just making a phone call, actually picking up the phone, whether it's getting on Skype or FaceTime, asking the staff for help with that, it's really important that we keep socialization and I always say, outside of the people you live with in your own house, make sure you reach out to at least one person a day. Always check in, not only will it help you with the socialization, it's gonna help somebody else in ways you couldn't even imagine and the other thing is, ask for the help. If you're not sure how to use FaceTime, email, if you wanna go on social media so you can see your grand kids in California because they can't come for the holidays this year, ask for that help. Really important to reach out, a lot of people don't like that weakness feeling, they think it's weakness or vulnerable, it's not, we are humans, we're social creatures, we need to ask for that help, we need to have the social support and we need that socialization so, even though there's physical distance, it does not mean social distance. So really important that we keep that in mind.

- Excellent tip. Finally, in my research, I've seen that you tend to like to have keywords for your years. What was the keyword for this year? And what are you leaning towards for 2021?

- Well, my keyword for this year was freedom, which makes me laugh because now I'm just... All my work is now stuck in the house so I don't know how free I feel and this is where I think we all relate, in the summer time it didn't feel that bad because you could go outside all the time but with the cold it does feel trapped, so, that was my word, which worked for the first few months and I've actually switched it over to flexible because that's what I felt like I needed to become for this year was flexible, flexible about using technology because just like so many others, I'm in my 50s but no matter what age, I never had to use Zoom, I never made PowerPoints, I've been a college professor for 20 years, I still use the board, I still did big discussions, I was an old-school type of teacher and when I did everything it was live, I had to learn PowerPoint, I had to learn Zoom, Webex, Go To and I just realized I could either stay stuck and stagnant or I could be flexible and choose to learn and use this time as a gift. So, I've switched my word so if anybody's thinking of how can I shift my word? What's my positive affirmation for the rest of the year? Flexibility, flexible, being open, those are great words and those affirmations of I'm choosing to be open or flexible, is really good because again, the only constant in the world is change and as we can see, we're in the midst of it and we always are and life's a roller coaster ride, right? Up and down, we don't know what tomorrow is gonna bring but always remembering it's temporary, embracing that change exists, and moving forward. As for my word in 2021, I'm too afraid to pick one yet because I don't know what it's gonna look like so I'm thinking that I switched to flexible over the summer and I think I'm gonna keep that because I really don't know what the world's gonna look like so I think I'm gonna need that openness and flexibility for the new year and I think that'll take me in smoothly knowing that whatever happens, I'm good to go with the flow and create change as I need to.

- I love it, I love it. Great advice already, Diane Lang you will be available to answer more questions during your webinar, stress less, savor more and feel better, Monday, November 9th, 3:00 pm Eastern presented by Arbor Terrace Exton, thank you so much for taking the time to join us.

- Thank you so much, I look forward to Monday.